Thursday, February 10, 2011
Where to begin...
In December we had a miscarriage and I didn't take it as well as I had hoped I would. Whenever you go into your first doctor's appointment you hope and pray everything is fine but you know there is always a possibility of something going wrong. At least I do, since we had one miscarriage before the boys. So, I don't generally just expect things to be fine. However, I had waited quite a while before making my first appointment and should have been around 12 weeks along. And all the normal symptoms-nauseous, hungry, tired, cranky and excited! I had my hopes way up! I had after all had two healthy babies and there were no signs something was wrong.
The decision to have a third was something the sweet hubby and I had gone back and forth on. Well, I had gone back and forth (back to sleepless nights and crying newborns or sleep peacefully and hold other people's precious bundles then hand them back when they started crying) and the sweet hubby had stayed firm on his "two is plenty!". Then I came down with baby fever-badly-and there was no going back for me! And suddenly sweet hubby had too! We decided for sure to start trying and hopefully get pregnant around February or March. Of course it happened right away-and we were thrilled! Thinking of names, telling family and friends, looking at tiny little onesies, and thinking of how our lives would change so soon! All the fun stuff.
Sparing you all the details-there was no heartbeat at our first appointment and I had had a "silent miscarriage". Basically, your body doesn't notice the baby has stopped growing and you continue experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms for several weeks. Who knew? I was shocked and didn't know how to handle myself. And to top it all off-have you looked around recently? EVERYBODY is pregnant right now. It's a little crazy. So, all my friends are announcing their pregnancies and at any other time-I would have been thrilled. But I just couldn't do it. I just tried to smile and my bitterness grew. And I was so angry at myself for feeling that way.Plus I had two healthy boys-didn't I know some people can't have children at all? I felt selfish.
People seemed appropriately upset right along with me and that helped a little. And then they all seemed to move on...including sweet hubby ( I know! Men handle these things differently than we do!) And I was stuck. Whenever I was alone I would honestly just cry and wonder if I was ever going to get past this. How was I supposed to move on? And why was I being such a baby? And then people started asking when we were going to try again. And I couldn't even imagine going through that pain again. And I became even more bitter. I truly felt as if I had fallen off the face of the Earth and no one had noticed. And I felt selfish. Something had to give. Something had to change.
I tried a lot of things. I tried being honest about how I felt-but I really do try to be a positive person and I hated the way I sounded telling people I was feeling so awful. So, I tried pretending I was fine. "It was hard but I'm doing much better.Thank you for asking." And that seemed to make everyone leave me alone-but my bitterness grew. I had finally given up actually trying to feel better and focused all my energy on pretending to feel better. And I didn't have much energy to begin with. I would notice Big B had been asking for something 4 or 5 times before I even heard him. I had an excuse almost every night why we should eat out. I hired a house cleaner. I went to work but cannot tell you what I got done while I was there. I didn't return texts or phone calls because I really didn't want to talk to anyone-it was too much work. I would like to add that my hormone levels were falling during this time too. I'd like to think that had a part in all this mess.
One day I went to get my hair done and I spilled a little. Don't we all spill to our hairdresser? Mine happens to be wonderful and it was just what I needed. She was so genuine when she said that I didn't need to move on so quickly. That I didn't need to think about trying again right away. She didn't even flinch when I said I was bitter that my friends were pregnant. I told her how selfish I had become. She didn't seem to expect anything from me. She couldn't relate exactly but she seemed to understand that I was a mess and made it seem only logical that I would be a mess. And it hit me-that was what was bugging me so much about the whole situation. I'm sure as wives and mothers we all feel the expectations of our roles. And it was the weight of those expectations on me when I truly felt broken that I couldn't handle. I could handle that God had a plan and this baby was in heaven with him now. I could even rejoice in the fact that two of my babies have gone straight to Him without any fear or sickness or trouble in this life. I could even handle that no one would feel this loss as deeply as I would. I just couldn't handle the expectations on me to deal with it. Whether imagined or real-I felt them and I couldn't cope.
I had finally come to the end of myself, I've always disliked that phrase until I went through his. And now it fits perfectly. I was done. I didn't know where to go next. And as a result of being totally lost and broken my prayers changed. I had been asking for peace and the strength to pull through this. Which I don't think are bad prayers but I wanted those things just so I could feel better. Instead, I started praying for HIM. Wanting to know Him better. Wanting to be full in Him. Wanting to do whatever he wanted me to do. I felt led to MOVE. To do things differently. A deep desire to please Him simply because He is worthy. Not looking for anything in return. I told you I had given up on ever feeling better.
So, that's where I am. I'm not sure what my next move is. But I am praying, reading, and listening to the needs around me. What a change from expecting everyone else to cater to my needs of the moment. I'm not saying the loss doesn't hurt anymore. It was very difficult for me to write about this. So, I reckon there is more healing to be done there. But I have found joy in my friend's pregnancies and joy in my two healthy babies. I've found joy in a nice healthy meal at home and when I clean the house. (Which I should be doing right now!) I am excited to see what God leads me to next. I hope He has planned big things!
I really don't want to post this. I don't want you to know where I have been because it was ugly and I'm nervous to say I don't know where to go next. But I reckon I feel like I can't just pick up where I left off and ignore that this has even happened. Plus I feel changed in a positive way and wanted to write about that change.
Okay-now seriously, I need to go clean so sweet hubby doesn't worry I've lost my mind again! :)