Is it bedtime yet?!

I reckon that was a horrible last post to write and then disappear again. Truly things have been going well...really busy and a bit stressful but a lot of great stuff mixed in there too.

There has been a lot of laughter in our house lately and I reckon that is a really good thing! I will admit to some pulling my hair out moments too. But I think that comes with the territory of two boys ages 3 and 2 and a small business trying to find it's footing. We went through a spell there when the kids were in bed at 8! We were counting down the minutes to say, "It's bedtime! Kiss Daddy! See you in the morning." Sing our songs, read our books and lay them down! And I would be asleep as soon as I hit the couch. And I started to ask myself...am I actually enjoying my children?

From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. I would play lawyer...but I always had a babydoll on my hip at the same time. I knew I would be one that married young and started having kids right away. I really yearned for it. As soon as the sweet hubby and I got married I had baby fever. We probably weren't even married yet to be honest! Trying to be responsible we decided to wait 2 years to try. Yet, babies were all I thought about, all I talked about, and all I read about. (Seriously, what 19 year old watches A Baby Story on TLC? It was a little weird!) I remember sitting and thinking about what they would look like and act like. I vividly recall sitting on the couch with my sweet hubby and thinking about little munchkins rambling on and on and cracking us up with the crazy things they'd say. Fast forward almost 5 years (in July) and all my dreams have come true and so much more than I could have imagined.

Big B does not stop talking. If he runs out of something to say on a topic-he will just. make. noise. And he is so sweet and funny he makes me cry happy tears daily. Little N is getting so big! He can be so sweet or so ornery when he wants to be. Even his ornery self is hilarious! I dreamed about our house being filled with laughter and we have been blessed with two little boys who know just how to do it!

But a lot of things come with children that I didn't expect. I guess I knew they would come but I didn't expect them to wear on you like they do. You know..all the mundane life stuff. Dishes, laundry, ants in the kitchen, dog eating my favorite shoes, bills, tummy bugs, ear aches, diets...(insert your own list). These things by themselves are no big deal! When I'm feeling strong I can tackle them all without blinking. I have the potential to be super mom-there are times I have felt like I am.

But when I am feeling weak, when these things have worn me down so that I can no longer laugh at the beautifully hilarious things my children say. When I can no longer see the blessings in my lap (even when they are asking me "why" for the millionth time!), I know I have become too focused on these mundane things and I need a refresher. I need to leave the dishes and read that book about the caterpillar (again). I need to just throw out those once adorable shoes and hold my baby because he won't be asking for too much longer. I need to remember the reason I am doing all those mundane things in the first place.

I reckon I am back to enjoying the laughter for the moment. I hope it stays. There is nothing worse than relearning a lesson and realizing, "Gosh, I was just here!". But I reckon there isn't a more important lesson for me than this.

Oh, and...my children have gone to bed late almost every night this week.

Where to begin...

I reckon you think I've fallen off the face of the Earth. I just reckon I may have for a short time. So much has happened and changed in my life the past couple of months. But where do I begin? I guess the beginning is a good place to start. I hope I'm not too long winded here...

In December we had a miscarriage and I didn't take it as well as I had hoped I would. Whenever you go into your first doctor's appointment you hope and pray everything is fine but you know there is always a possibility of something going wrong. At least I do, since we had one miscarriage before the boys. So, I don't generally just expect things to be fine. However, I had waited quite a while before making my first appointment and should have been around 12 weeks along. And all the normal symptoms-nauseous, hungry, tired, cranky and excited! I had my hopes way up! I had after all had two healthy babies and there were no signs something was wrong.

The decision to have a third was something the sweet hubby and I had gone back and forth on. Well, I had gone back and forth (back to sleepless nights and crying newborns or sleep peacefully and hold other people's precious bundles then hand them back when they started crying) and the sweet hubby had stayed firm on his "two is plenty!". Then I came down with baby fever-badly-and there was no going back for me! And suddenly sweet hubby had too! We decided for sure to start trying and hopefully get pregnant around February or March. Of course it happened right away-and we were thrilled! Thinking of names, telling family and friends, looking at tiny little onesies, and thinking of how our lives would change so soon! All the fun stuff.

Sparing you all the details-there was no heartbeat at our first appointment and I had had a "silent miscarriage". Basically, your body doesn't notice the baby has stopped growing and you continue experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms for several weeks. Who knew? I was shocked and didn't know how to handle myself. And to top it all off-have you looked around recently? EVERYBODY is pregnant right now. It's a little crazy. So, all my friends are announcing their pregnancies and at any other time-I would have been thrilled. But I just couldn't do it. I just tried to smile and my bitterness grew. And I was so angry at myself for feeling that way.Plus I had two healthy boys-didn't I know some people can't have children at all? I felt selfish.

People seemed appropriately upset right along with me and that helped a little. And then they all seemed to move on...including sweet hubby ( I know! Men handle these things differently than we do!)   And I was stuck. Whenever I was alone I would honestly just cry and wonder if I was ever going to get past this. How was I supposed to move on? And why was I being such a baby? And then people started asking when we were going to try again. And I couldn't even imagine going through that pain again. And I became even more bitter. I truly felt as if I had fallen off the face of the Earth and no one had noticed. And I felt selfish. Something had to give. Something had to change.

I tried a lot of things. I tried being honest about how I felt-but I really do try to be a positive person and I hated the way I sounded telling people I was feeling so awful. So, I tried pretending I was fine. "It was hard but I'm doing much better.Thank you for asking." And that seemed to make everyone leave me alone-but my bitterness grew. I had finally given up actually trying to feel better and focused all my energy on pretending to feel better. And I didn't have much energy to begin with. I would notice Big B had been asking for something 4 or 5 times before I even heard him. I had an excuse almost every night why we should eat out. I hired a house cleaner. I went to work but cannot tell you what I got done while I was there. I didn't return texts or phone calls because I really didn't want to talk to anyone-it was too much work. I would like to add that my hormone levels were falling during this time too. I'd like to think that had a part in all this mess.

One day I went to get my hair done and I spilled a little. Don't we all spill to our hairdresser? Mine happens to be wonderful and it was just what I needed. She was so genuine when she said that I didn't need to move on so quickly. That I didn't need to think about trying again right away. She didn't even flinch when I said I was bitter that my friends were pregnant. I told her how selfish I had become. She didn't seem to expect anything from me. She couldn't relate exactly but she seemed to understand that I was a mess and made it seem only logical that I would be a mess. And it hit me-that was what was bugging me so much about the whole situation. I'm sure as wives and mothers we all feel the expectations of our roles. And it was the weight of those expectations on me when I truly felt broken that I couldn't handle. I could handle that God had a plan and this baby was in heaven with him now. I could even rejoice in the fact that two of my babies have gone straight to Him without any fear or sickness or trouble in this life. I could even handle that no one would feel this loss as deeply as I would. I just couldn't handle the expectations on me to deal with it. Whether imagined or real-I felt them and I couldn't cope.

I had finally come to the end of myself, I've always disliked that phrase until I went through his. And now it fits perfectly. I was done. I didn't know where to go next. And as a result of being totally lost and broken my prayers changed. I had been asking for peace and the strength to pull through this. Which I don't think are bad prayers but I wanted those things just so I could feel better. Instead, I started praying for HIM. Wanting to know Him better. Wanting to be full in Him. Wanting to do whatever he wanted me to do. I felt led to MOVE. To do things differently. A deep desire to please Him simply because He is worthy. Not looking for anything in return. I told you I had given up on ever feeling better.

So, that's where I am. I'm not sure what my next move is. But I am praying, reading, and listening to the needs around me. What a change from expecting everyone else to cater to my needs of the moment. I'm not saying the loss doesn't hurt anymore. It was very difficult for me to write about this. So, I reckon there is more healing to be done there. But I have found joy in my friend's pregnancies and joy in my two healthy babies. I've found joy in a nice healthy meal at home and when I clean the house. (Which I should be doing right now!) I am excited to see what God leads me to next. I hope He has planned big things!

I really don't want to post this. I don't want you to know where I have been because it was ugly and I'm nervous to say I don't know where to go next. But I reckon I feel like I can't just pick up where I left off and ignore that this has even happened. Plus I feel changed in a positive way and wanted to write about that change.

Okay-now seriously, I need to go clean so sweet hubby doesn't worry I've lost my mind again! :)

Over A Month?

I reckon it's been over a month since I posted anything new. I'm not quite sure I believe that...but it is what the site says. I can't even think of what I've been doing. I have been in a constant struggle all month with doing too much and not getting enough done. I reckon everyone has been there a time or two and can relate with my frustration.

Let's start with what I have been neglecting (that way we can end on the things I have been attending to and maybe I'll feel better): The past month I have had trouble finding time for the gym, my emails, the house, the laundry, the roll of toilet paper the dog got a hold of and shredded about the floor,  lunch dates with my friends, my nails, the mail (finally checked it today-overflowing of course), and probably many many other things that I have completely forgotten about.

So, what have I been doing? Reading Goodnight Moon a few dozen times, drawing Mickey Mouse several times a day, watching Madagascar with Big B and Blues Clues with Little N, going to work, pulling everything out of my closet every morning because nothing fits, watching the Harry Potter's with my sweet hubby, finding group health insurance for the shop, attending PTF meetings, baking and making cards for class parties, making crafts for the boys to help them get in the Thanksgiving mood, losing sleep over what I didn't get done at work,  browsing black friday ads online, falling asleep in Big B's bed when I'm supposed to be putting him down for a nap,  waking up a few times a night with Little N who must have just started having nightmares, and I could go on and on.

Please let me be clear, I am not complaining and I do not think I am busier than anyone else. If anything I am baffled how other women seem to get it all done. The list of things I've been doing has some things I wouldn't want to be missing for the world. And a few things I could pass on. Just like my list of things I'm not doing. I would feel more at ease if the house was in order, or if I could make it to the gym, or spend some more time with my friends.

I reckon the point of this post is to let you know that while I was sitting on the couch folding laundry during nap time today-I was actually happy to see the house in such a mess because I know that meant we had played hard today. And I spent time with my kids that will hopefully mean more to them than a spotless house will when they get older. This is new for me. I have always stressed about the house and beat myself up when it wasn't up the my standards. I'm not saying I'll feel this way tomorrow or next week. And you will probably see more posts from me fretting about the sad state of my dirty house.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I reckon I have a date to build a lego castle with a 2 year old who couldn't care less about the toilet paper that is still all over the floor.

Laughs

I observed some things today that made me laugh and smile. And I want to share...I reckon that's what having a blog is all about!

I had a sweet preschooler explain the workings of the playground to me today.  "This is the big slide. These are the little slides. We stay on the little playground. No play with wood chips. This is B and this is N." Yes-she introduced my own children to me. Got to chuckle at that...

I had to tell Big B that he couldn't play with his itouch while he was in timeout. He's 2 and a half!!

I watched Little N bring said itouch to Big B and say "Dog". B-" Want to play Chica now?" N-"No. Dog". Then watched Big B pull up the dog game app for his little brother. N taking the itouch and walking away-"Th doo (Thank You)". I will again remind you that they are 2 and a half and 1 and a half-although I'm sure they have no idea.

I heard my sweet husband tell Big B that if he kept sticking his tongue out a bird would come and poop on it. Gross I know... Big B then turned to me with a huge smile and said, " I got poopie all over my mouth". I reckon being a mother of boys makes this laughable and not just revolting.

And now the highlights:

I watched a Little N-who has been fussing all day-immediatly calm down and pay attention with folded "prayer hands" as we said our bedtime prayers. And watched him give big brother goodnight hugs.

My heart melted as I played our goodnight game with Big B. Mommy-" I love you more than ice cream." B-" I love you-oranges." Mommy-"I love you more than sleeping in." B-" I love you-strawberries." Mommy-" I love you more than anything." B-"I love you-everything." Then I said my personal bedtime prayer for him and asked if there was anything he wanted to thank God for tonight-he is thankful for Pluto and Elmo. As I'm walking out of the room he says "Mommy, I had fun talking you anight."

I reckon they couldn't get much sweeter.

1 Dislike 1 Like

My Dislike:
I would like to preface this by admitting that I am not a great judge of music. But...

Has anyone else noticed that Katy Perry can't sing? I reckon not-since her songs are played constantly! This is something I have felt for a while but not voiced for fear of sounding cold and hurtful. But then I heard that she actually said in an interview that she doesn't even listen to her own music. I don't blame her. I think she said it under the pretext of "I get enough of myself as it is" and a smile. But I think we all know the reason...

But then again...I only know they play her songs all the time because I'm listening. And I have been singing one in particular all day. Just wondering if I'm the only one who is less than impressed with Ms. Perry.

My Like:
And it's more of an obsessive love.

The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins. Wow! Please don't be deterred by the Scholastic status of these books. I was skeptical but they came highly recommended by a trusted source and I am now recommending them to everyone I know. They are books that you can't put down and then when they're finished you wish there was another because you are so in love with the characters.

I wish I had another book to start because I need to move on with my life. But I can't imagine starting another one yet.

This picture has no relevance. I'm just want to start adding pictures and am so leery of using ones from the internet. And I don't have any personal pictures of Katy Perry to share. So...here is one I took when we were in Florida. 

Friendly or Feisty?

I reckon I have been more "feisty" than "friendly" the past few days...maybe weeks? I received a daily email for women and each day they focus on some aspect of our lives that we could be focusing on or working on. 5:20 am-I'm early for boot camp and decide to check my emails while I wait. Today's Subject line reads "Friendly or Feisty". Now, I don't mean to rip them off. But it really got me thinking of I how I have been treating everyone lately. And I wasn't pleased with myself.

It made another good point...we don't tell off the bank teller who takes her sweet time when I clearly have somewhere to be, or the cashier at the grocery who rang up my coupons wrong, or the customer who calls twice because she hasn't received her order-just to realize she sent it to the wrong fax address. We don't tell them off because we think before we speak to strangers and realize it's not polite. So...why don't we think before we react at home? Maybe because we're more comfortable or more irritated? I'm going with more comfortable. And I reckon we don't deal with the other things that irritate us in the world and let it all come out at home.

Now here's a point they didn't touch on...but this is really the main issue for me. Because I can hold my tongue for a time and not be short with the kids when they're driving me up the wall or not give my husband the cold shoulder because "I have a lot going on".  But, people, I'm not getting upset and ugly over big things-like lying or cheating or my house being taken away (those all seem like big things to me). I know I'm blessed to not have any of those issues in my life right now. I'm being ugly when the boys spill something (on purpose), or Big B is asking for something for the 15th time, or Little N is fussing for no apparent reason, or when my sweet hubby is needing some of my attention too. These are things that I normally have patience dealing with and even delight in because I know they are all for good reasons. I'll prove I know it- the boys spill things because they're boys and like messes, Big B is asking for something for the 15th time because he's 2 and he is under a lot of stress with preschool/mommy-going-to-work and learning how to function in this new big boy world. Little N is fussing because he's in the horrible "phase" we've already mentioned. And my sweet hubby needs my attention because we're a team and he loves me. These are things that usually please me-knowing my family loves me so much they want me around them all the time. But for some reason this is rubbing me the wrong way and I'm not letting my light show.

Wait...I've been here before. What have I stopped doing? What has always been my biggest struggle in my Christian walk? Can you guess it? Trusting God. Trusting Him that our finances are on a good path and will straighten out because I am trying to bring Glory to Him in all that I do, trusting Him to keep my children safe and fulfilled because they are His children first and foremost, trusting that He will make me a good mother and wife simply because I love Him and follow Him not because I'm running around with my head cut off trying to "do better". These are issues that keep cropping up in my life and then I start to feel like this. Then I start being feisty over the small things because I'm so worried over the bigger things I cannot control.

Todays Reckoning-I reckon I need to stop and spend time with the only One who can make me content with myself. In my searching I have never found anything to make me feel content like God. Yet, I always start looking again and always end up back on my knees because I'm worn out and frustrated. I reckon I'm going to go thank Him for all my blessings and find the joy in my small trials so that I can be friendly again. Won't my sweet hubby be happy?

3 hours

I reckon I have never truly appreciated the value of 3 measly hours until today. For weeks, months maybe, I have been longing to clean my house. My house is not (always) filthy. I will run the brush around the toilet, vaccuum the floors, or carry a basket of laundry to my bedroom when I find 10 minutes. But I'm talking about needing to CLEAN. Like back in the days when I was only a housewife, or only a mother of one child, heck! even a mother of one toddler and one immobile baby. The kind of cleaning where you put on your grubbies and really devote some time.

But lately...our house has been plagued with a sickness. A sickness only the mother of an 18 month old will know. Yes, I am referring to Separation Anxiety. This sickness deserves to be in capital letters. Maybe it's because he's the baby but my sweet Little N has got it bad! It's not just when I drop him off somewhere anymore...it's when I make dinner or fix my hair. Anytime I'm not holding him he screams as if he's in pain. I have gone through this before...but I am, of course, blaming it on myself. It can't be "just a phase" it has to be something wrong with my parenting. Something I'm not doing well enough...right? I'm probably scarring him for life because I am working part time and he has to stay with family who loves him to pieces. Or one of a hundred other things. And these hundred things may be adding to this "phase" but I am going to start accepting it for what it truly is...a horrible "phase". I would also like to take this time to blame my lack of postings lately on this "phase".
Okay...back to the point of this blog now that you know what we've been up to. Little N started school today. He's in the same Mother's Day Out program that Big B is in and, although he's been enrolled, could not start attending until he officially turned 18 months. So, today was the big first day of school for Little N. It is bad to say I have been waiting for this day? I have known he was going to love the school, love his teacher, and I have been praying it will help with the "phase". This morning he posed for pictures with his backpack on and I asked him all the way to school "Who is going to school today? Who is such a big boy? Who do I love so much?" And he answered, "Me. Me. Me". And the closer we get...the sadder I get. And he walks right into his classroom, picks up a toy, posing for a few more pictures, turns his back and doesn't even notice when we leave. And I'm a mess. I am so grateful that my darling husband was there or I would have been that mom crying in the lobby.

I think of my sweet baby all the way home. And the closer I get...the more excited I get. It has hit me that I now have 3 hours to CLEAN. No crying babies, no toys being taken out as soon as I put them up, and no guilt for not playing with the boys when I need to be cleaning. And best of all, I left a happy Little N who was excited for his first day of school. So, no guilt or worries there. It was wonderful. And the boys had wonderful days too.

They are napping soundly now, which is why I can blog and stalk everyone I know on Facebook. It's been too long- a lot has happened. I'm praising God for such an awesome morning that I didn't deserve and praying the afternoon is twice as much fun. Which it will be-because as nice as free time is, time with my boys is always better.

Today's Reckoning- I reckon I would never have thought I would be this happy to clean. And I probably would have thought anyone this excited to clean would have led a sad and pitiful life. But I reckon our priorities change a lot through our lives and I'm just glad I can be thankful for something as small as a clean house (and did I mention dinner is made?!) during a "phase" when I don't have a lot of time. And the best part...there's another school day on Thursday!